I’ll be honest—small talk used to be my least favorite thing. You know that uncomfortable back-and-forth where you’re stuck talking about the weather or what you do for work, just waiting for a way out? Yeah, I’ve been there too. Small talk always felt so surface-level, like I was just going through the motions. But I realized something important: it doesn’t have to be that way.

‍

Over time, I’ve learned that small talk can be the doorway to something real. It’s a chance to connect, even in the smallest way. Once I shifted my mindset, I started to see those conversations as an opportunity, not just an obligation. If you feel like I did—hating the awkwardness and wishing conversations could be more meaningful—here’s what helped me make small talk better, and even (surprisingly) enjoyable.

‍

1. Stop Trying to Be Interesting—Be Curious Instead

‍

One of the biggest lessons I’ve learned? It’s not about what you say, it’s about how much you actually listen. I used to worry about sounding interesting or coming up with the “right” thing to say, but the truth is, people connect more when you’re genuinely curious about them.

‍

So, I stopped trying to impress and started asking questions with the goal of really getting to know the person in front of me. “What’s something you’ve been into lately?” or “Have you done anything fun recently?” are a couple of my go-tos now. It keeps things more open-ended and lets the conversation flow naturally.

‍

2. Use Open-Ended Questions That Lead to Stories

‍

We’ve all been in those conversations where someone asks, “How are you?” and you just respond, “Good,” and then… dead silence. I used to fall into that trap all the time. But once I started asking questions that couldn’t be answered with a simple “yes” or “no,” the conversations changed completely.

‍

Instead of, “How’s work?” I started asking, “What’s the most interesting thing that’s happened at work this week?” or “Read any good books lately?” These little shifts invite the other person to share more, and before I knew it, we were talking about things that actually felt meaningful.

‍

3. Embrace the Awkwardness

‍

Here’s the thing: small talk is always going to have awkward moments. There are pauses, missteps, and sometimes you ask a question that just doesn’t land. I used to feel embarrassed when that happened, but now I lean into it.

‍

If I’m feeling awkward, I might even say something like, “I’m terrible at small talk, but I’d love to know more about you.” It’s disarming, honest, and usually makes the other person relax too. The more real you are about the awkwardness, the less uncomfortable it feels.

‍

4. Find a Common Thread and Build on It

‍

One of the things that really helped me was finding a common connection—something we both enjoyed or experienced—and running with it. Whether it’s a shared interest or just laughing about something ridiculous that happened, those little moments of connection make small talk feel deeper.

‍

If someone mentions they love hiking and so do I, I’ll ask them about their favorite spots or the best hike they’ve been on. If they talk about a recent challenge at work, I might ask how they handled it or share something similar I’ve been through. It’s all about finding those little points where your experiences overlap.

‍

5. Don’t Be Afraid to Get Personal (Within Reason)

‍

I used to keep my responses really basic—just enough to keep the conversation moving but never too personal. But once I started sharing a little more, even something small, the conversations felt more real.

‍

For example, if someone asks how my weekend was, instead of saying, “It was fine,” I’ll say something like, “It was good! I finally got around to baking that bread I’ve been wanting to try.” It gives the other person something to latch onto, and it opens the door for more meaningful back-and-forth.

‍

6. Ask “Why?” Instead of Just “What?”

‍

One thing that’s changed everything for me is asking “why.” Instead of just sticking to the surface-level “what,” I’ll dig a little deeper. If someone says they love a certain hobby, I’ll ask, “Why do you love it?” or “What got you into that?”

‍

Those “why” questions give people a chance to talk about their passions, motivations, and experiences. It turns small talk into a more interesting conversation because you’re no longer just exchanging facts—you’re getting into the heart of what makes them tick.

‍

7. Know When to Wrap It Up

‍

Not every small talk moment is going to turn into a deep connection, and that’s totally okay. Part of making small talk feel less draining is knowing when to wrap it up. If the conversation feels like it’s naturally coming to an end, I’ve learned it’s fine to gracefully exit. I’ll usually end with, “It was great chatting with you! Let’s catch up again soon,” or “I’d love to hear more about that sometime—let’s stay in touch.”

‍

Finding Deeper Conversations with Kinship

‍

If you’re like me and tired of small talk that goes nowhere, Kinship is the perfect space to practice those deeper connections. It’s designed for people who want more out of conversations—who are looking for real, honest interactions with like-minded people.

‍

In Kinship’s small group sessions, you can practice getting beyond small talk, share your experiences, and have conversations that actually mean something. It’s a space where you can be real, be vulnerable, and connect with others who are on the same page.

‍

Sign up for our next Kinship session and start building deeper, more meaningful connections. You don’t have to settle for small talk—you can make it real. Let’s do it together.

‍